I Think I’m Too Ambitious

Some days I forget that I’m ill and disabled.

That may seem ridiculous since I’ve often said I’m in pain every day. And I am! But some days I forget how bad migraines can be. I forget how nauseating it is to move. I forget how much it hurts to sit in a room with a light on. I just simply have a headache and muscle aches. It’s inconvenient, sure, but I can handle it.

So I go tackle projects I want to finish and try to get active. I try to take long walks, write for hours at a time, organize my closet, come up with ideas for huge parties. I’m invincible! I have a day without a migraine, I can do whatever I want now!

Pick up running again? Might as well look up half marathons in the area.

Have an idea for a short story? I’m going to a loud and bright coffee shop and I’m going to write for hours. Hey, another double latte sounds good too.

I found some books I really like. How about starting up a book club hosted by yours truly?

Annoyingly, I always come back to reality. Whether it is the same day or later in the week, I get a migraine. And I’m bedridden and desperately trying to keep a positive attitude. I realize I’m not the millennial socialite I pictured myself being. I get disappointed in myself, at God, and at Netflix for not having more episodes of Grace and Frankie to cheer me up.

I’ve been in this pattern for over five years, you think I would be used to this, right? Not yet. I’m still learning. But I’m making steps. Each year I get better at recognizing my own limits. Each year I grow more accepting of the situation I’m in and find more pieces of joy.

What are you trying to find joy in today?

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